I keep uttering the same quote to myself over and over again, “The best kind of writing is the kind that scares you. I mean, down to the bone scares you.” —It’s one of my favourite quotes and applies perfectly to how I am feeling as I write this.

I haven’t written in what seems like forever—to be honest, I haven’t had any inspiration to share what I have been up to since the last post I shared.

Since then, I’ve continued to be busy with finishing up my semester at school and working nonstop. I’ve lacked taking that extra precious time I need for soul searching and processing.

Lately though, I feel like I’ve let myself down since writing does so much for me. Writing truly helps me attend to everything that is weighing down on my heart. It allows me to delve into the depths of my soul as I pry out everything that needs to be dealt with—the good and the bad.

About six months ago, I wrote a list of things that I promised myself I was going to work on this year—my New Year Resolutions. Read my post here.

So far, I have crossed off three major items—Find My Home Church (Check). I currently call my home church Hillsong NYC and I have never been more thankful. Be On Time (Check). I have not been thirty+ minutes consecutively early in a while (see post for details). Lastly, Lower My Expectations (Check). I have successfully relinquished any expectations or gaudy requirements on those around me. I don’t expect anything from anyone and I’ve been surprised with the results.

But as I sit here, terrified of the words spilling from my overflowing heart, I realise that have so much more to work on. Since I’ve moved from home I have had times where I have felt as if I’ve been continually leaving voicemails for God and yet no calls (or texts) are returned…

I have lost some of my dearest friends due to the distance and time between us. I have been bullied. I’ve dealt with waves of depression. I’ve soared on the highest highs. I have missed my family. I have dealt with worry and crippling anxiety paired with overthinking. I have met new friends. I fell in love. I’ve fought with my inner most demons. And so much more. All within this past year.

Through all of this I have prayed. Prayers of thanksgiving and rejoice and also prayers of helplessness and crying out.

Faith is an interesting business. It’s believing and loving and hoping without knowing or assurance, yes… but it’s also so much more.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about faith. What is it? Where does my faith lie? How faithful am I?

First, faith is undervalued. Many assume that it means believing without real proof or evidence. However, they are mistaken. Faith is not gullibility, it is not a mere feeling, it is more than a belief. Gullibility is dangerous. A mere feeling may come and go. Even belief in itself is insufficient when it comes to God, for “the demons believe and they shudder.”

According to Paul in Hebrews 11:1, faith focuses on two things we cannot see. One, it focuses on the realities that are “not beheld.” And two, faith focuses on things “hoped for.”—Events that have not happened. But this does not mean that our faith is groundless in only having a foundation upon what is unknown. Paul goes on to call faith an “assured expectation, a title deed of sorts—much like the deed one holds to land bought. That deed is the evidence and your faith in the belief that that land is yours. The evidence of our faith is so convincing, so strong, that it may be equated to our faith itself.

My faith this year has been tested, though—I sit here here crying as I type that last sentence—I have cried this year more than I would have thought possible. I have questioned whether moving away from California was the right decision. I have been on my knees begging for some answers as I travel this unbelievably treacherous road of Christianity I walk on a daily basis, and few answers have been given in return.

One of my pastors from back home once argued that, “Christians will go through MORE trial and tribulation than the non-Christian because God simply LOVES us. He isn’t testing our faith, He is nourishing our faith to survive everything the world has against it.”

John Bunyan would agree saying, “What God says is best, is best, though all the men in the world are against it.” 

My entire life really did change in one year. I need to remember to love myself enough to know that what God has in store for me is so much more. I need to be brave enough to demand more from those around me; to stand up for myself. I need to remember to be disciplined enough to actually work for more.

My friend made a poignant observation that went something like this, “Sometimes we want something so badly that we continue to employ the same methods over and over again, perhaps with slight adjustments, each time expecting the desired result. Sometimes God will ask you to do what you’ve been doing so faithfully all these years. He sees you… How you keep trying, keep adjusting, how you keep standing back up when you don’t think you can. That’s what perseverance is, and God is so proud of you. But you have to look at what you’re doing to yourself. At times, you keep banging your head against the wall, expecting a different result, wondering why the bleeding won’t stop when maybe God isn’t ready for you to have a different result quite yet. Keep persevering. God’s timing is the perfect timing.”

Romans 5:3-5 says, “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

Even though I am admitting that I’ve struggled with my own personal faith this year, since I have continually been praying without result, I will never be embarrassed to struggle. At the end of the day there is no shame in working hard to get where I want to be in my faith; where I want and am destined to be with God. I’m trusting God’s timing, He’s always right.

It’s taken me a few months to articulate the beauty of what He is doing in my life. What He put on my heart to say. There are no words to depict this love He gives. No words to describe what He has done in my heart and what He continues to do. Oh how He has used me this year. Oh how God has loved me this year. Oh what a God of grace I praise.

All because I told Him, “I love you too. With Everything.”

What. Kind. Of. Love. Is. This?!

One of my favourite songs pens, “Oh, the overwhelming, never ending, reckless love of God. It chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine. I couldn’t earn it,  I don’t deserve it, still You give yourself away.”

Matthew 18:12 reminds us, “What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them goes astray, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go out to search for the one that is lost? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he rejoices more over that one sheep than over the ninety-nine that did not go astray…” 

He left the ninety-nine. For me and you. And He will do it again.

Yes, some of the things I have prayed for have been left on read by God— no voicemail has been returned… But when I really think about it, if God gave me everything I have been praying for tomorrow, I don’t think I would be ready to take on all of that. He gives what we can take.

I know this post is quite Biblical. But I can’t help but share what has been weighing on my heart. I sit here, salty streams rushing down my face once again.

I will continue to respond with hands held high and voice lifted because I do not know any other way to respond to that divine love He bestows upon all of us.

Letting whoever reading this know that: You don’t have to be perfect. Not even a little bit. You can be a complete mess…anxious, stressed, overwhelmed. You just have to let go—you just have to have Faith.

The best kind of writing is the kind that scares you. Let this be a reminder to myself that even though I may be taken deeper than I may ever wander, it will be to make my faith that much stronger.

Monday Thoughts, Uptown Maven