The fruit on my kitchen counter looks nothing like a Cézanne. It’s a bit bruised and brown in some spots. There are a few rogue produce stickers as well as a suspicious soft spot on the bottom of one of the apples.

It’s just fruit, though. Nothing about how I’ve placed the fruit on my counter in whatever assortment it’s in, is intentional. Neither is the unintentional produce sticker that is impossible to peel off.

Cézanne had stunning apples, though. When looking at his work, one might think that he was eternally blessed with perfectly ripened fruits… yet, here I am with an avocado that is impossibly hard or way too ripe.

Do you think anyone who lived in Cézanne’s time mistook his fruit bowl for reality instead of staged? Were people scouring the land and fruit fields, searching for the perfect stem or the same exact shade of coral in their peaches? In doing so, did they curse their bounty? Did they toss out every piece that differed from a Cézanne painting?

Probably not, right? I’m sure people were too busy and Cézanne was probably just some random painter back then. No one would have ever guessed he eventually would have the profound title of the founder of modern art.

You know what he also was though?—Cézanne was intentional. He intentionally placed each fruit ever so delicately in the perfect assortment. He intentionally mixed Sienna Brown and Ochre Yellow to get the perfect hue for the wooden bowl on his canvas.

I want to be like Cézanne. I want to be intentional.

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Every year I choose a guide word that helps me unify my goals in a more complete way than just a singular New Year’s resolution or a whole resolution list. If you have been with me for awhile, you might remember I chose the word engaged one year—and wrote I Should Be Engaged. Last year, I chose the word consistent. Another year, I chose the word resilient.

Some years, it takes me awhile to find which word I want to pick, but this year… I just knew. I felt it whispered into my ear ever so gently. I woke up and heard the word on the news and read it in the novel I was perusing.

Intentional. What a concept, right? For awhile, I wasn’t sure how to approach the idea. I still don’t think I know exactly what I want to do with that word but I know it’s the perfect word for my 2024 year.

The last year has been a beautiful blur of excitement and loss, the promise of a new start, disappointment, insecurity, re-location, opportunity, another spark of light snuffed out too soon, a place to call home, and the thrill of hope yet again.

Honestly, nobody tells you how hard it is to move from a place you have loved so much and have lived so wholeheartedly and built your life in. Nobody tells you how difficult it is to leave the home that you chose after leaving your childhood behind. No one told me how depressing it would be to leave the place where you started your life over and made friends—a place that you never thought you would end up leaving.

Since leaving, I’ve become less intentional. I’ve been busier than ever before and have been feeling like a whirlwind going down an imaginary drain. I haven’t taken much time to check in on the people that mean the most to me and when I do, I don’t feel like I am actually listening or being present in the moment.

Despite that though—or maybe even, because of that—this year I want to become intentional. Here is what I have mustered up so far.

1. I want to keep a journal. I want to sit in my cozy bed with the wind blowing in through my window and jot down whatever comes to mind, instead of scrolling aimlessly on my phone. I want to write down what that day brought me—whether good or bad. I want to be able to go through that journal in a year and say I accomplished something that was truly for me and no one else.
2. I want to be mindful about the goals I set. It seems like every year I set goals and yet, I never get to cross the finish line with it. I want to set realistic goals. Ones where I can do it and then after push the imaginary “that was easy” button.
3. I want to be intentional when I apologize to someone. There are so many times that I catch myself aimlessly throughout the day saying, “Oops sorry.” I’m wondering, do I really mean that? Did I take the time to understand where I went wrong? Was I truly the one in the wrong? I don’t want to apologize and say sorry in a mundane way where it almost becomes mindless.
4. I want to be intentional around my platonic relationships and at work. I want to continue to be intentional with friends and work colleagues because let’s face it, there are many instances where I can remember totally spacing out and not even knowing what the conversation was about. I believe that intentionality increases the value of your most important relationships and brings deeper meaning to them. So when you appreciate your most important relationships—especially the people that you are around everyday—you experience greater gratitude, abundance, and self awareness. Being intentional in my relationships means understanding the purpose and importance of every relationship in my life.
5. I want to be intentional around my romantic relationships. Half of my twenties have been spent settling for someone that was not meant to work out in the long run. I think I knew and accepted that relationship for what it was because I didn’t think the right person would ever come along. If I become more intentional in my romantic relationships, I think that person will eventually come along. And well if they don’t, at least I can say I was intentional about every relationship I had in between. But also, I want to become the right person, not just find the right person—that way the value of my own life is growing, too.
6. I want to be intentional during any communication. If I am, it’ll show people that they do matter, I do care, and it will show them how much they mean to me. I want to be able to turn off my thoughts and worries so that I can sit across from someone—coffee or margarita in hand— and know that I am doing my part in that conversation by being present.
7. I want to be intentional with my body. I want to take care of my health. I want to know exactly what I am putting into my body. I want to be intentional at the grocery store. I want to get up and be intentional about my day by starting with a good stretch, jog, or meditation session.

Here’s the problem with that list… intention only means so much. There has to be action that comes along with it. That’s the most difficult part and what hurts for me to swallow. That’s why this word for my upcoming year is scary… I can’t be intentional without action. I want to work out more. I want to get up early and not feel tired. I want to read more. I want to listen to more podcasts. I want to make time to play piano and do the things that interest me. I want to listen to the people in front of me, and listen without distraction.

This friction between intention and action has become the defining struggle of my life. It’s really interesting if we think about it… If I want to do something, why don’t I just do it?

Of course, I can’t change my character overnight. I can’t change my environment overnight, either. We live in a world where engagement and intention have dissipated into mindless action. It’s really difficult to be the outlier in this unintentional world. But, I have this overwhelming feeling that intention will silently creep into my daily life once I set down my phone, turn off my TV, and fight beside the people I love and want to get to know more. It’ll silently and suddenly show itself once I put effort with ambition.

I am twenty something years old… and it’s about time I start closing the gap between my intention and action. It’s about time I become disciplined enough to truly understand what I am doing, where I want to go, and how I will get there.

It’s about damn time I start arranging my oranges, apples, and peaches in a meaningful way, don’t you think?

Who knows, any of us could eventually be like Cézanne, right?

UM