I like lists. I like To-Do lists. I like packing lists, grocery lists, check lists, and even bucket lists. Heck I even write index lists which is a list of all my different lists. I like ’em all.

I like to create them, to check things off of them, and to complete them. I just like lists. What you’re about to read is just another one of my lists, but I hope that far from being another “10 Things to Do in Your Twenties,” “5 Things Christians Should Stop Saying and Start Doing,” or even just a list of things I want to accomplish this year, this I intend to be much more.

I hope this list inspires you, warmly invites you, and hits the same parts of you heart from whence my own produced it.

You see, the past month or so of the new year I have thought about my “resolutions” for this upcoming 2019 year. I have always been encouraged to come up with a few things I would like to accomplish or change about myself, yet this year I was having some trouble making my list.

I don’t want this list to just be some list with a series of changes that I never actually make. I hope that this list is something I can check off, much like how I check off my other lists.

Therefore: this list.

I refuse to let these next 12 months be overrated, bland, or anything less than exciting. I have told myself that this 2019 year will be extraordinary and that is exactly what I want to aim to accomplish.

So. Rather than a handful of rinky-dinky New Years Resolutions that I probably won’t keep past February, this is my list of what I resolve to do as a twenty-year-old, mindful, Christ-craving, student, daughter, and friend.

I resolve to:

Find a Home Church. I am in desperate need to find a home church. It’s something that I have been missing since I left California. Back home I had been going to church—almost—*emphasis on almost because there are exceptions* every Sunday.

I have been craving the fellowship. I miss singing my heart out to over-the-top, loud Christian Rock music. I have missed being able to challenge myself every week to understand the message that was taught on Sunday. I miss crying while fully being vulnerable in front of complete strangers who share the same heavenly desires as me.

So, this year I will find a home church—I have a list* of a few I wish to try. And I will continue to grow as a young adult in fellowship.

John 1:7 proclaims, “But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His son, purifies our sins.”

Learn to Control My Anxiety. It’s no surprise that I struggle with anxiety. Lately, it’s been getting worse—and to be honest I haven’t been honest with myself that it is getting exceptionally difficult to deal with. I try so hard to ignore it and try to move on but it’s there. Haunting me every day.  Creeping up on me during the day and night and when I least want it to bother.

I have been in denial about it. My OCD causes it. And the worst part is there is simply nothing I can do about it. If someone says something, much like a trigger word, my whole mood will shift and I will lose my signature smile and completely start crying, and sometimes yelling, or even just stop talking.

This year, I will learn coping mechanisms that work for me. I will research ways to control it when I least expect it. I will find ways that work in my schedule and maybe even some that help me grow out of it.

By the way, I’m open to any suggestions. Shoot me an email, send me a text. I don’t just write this blog for you, but I also write it for feedback and tips. This blog is for both of us.

Be On Time. This one is an odd one for me. When I say be on time, I actually don’t mean that I am late. I am actually NEVER late. If anything, I am an hour early to whatever it is I am going to. And that is the problem. I need to be on time in the sense that I don’t need to be an hour early to every function, class, or work shift that is on my schedule.

See the problem is, I used to be thirty minutes early, then forty, and now it’s almost an hour.

So this year, I will be on time. For the sake of my personal sanity, for adhering to speed limits, and for the people I’ve made time commitments to, I will be on time and maybe only five minutes early.

Feel More Comfortable in My Own Skin. I have this insane issue that I’m always covering myself up. In pictures I always try to hide behind people. I always wear makeup—even if I’m just taking my dog for a walk?? I only wear long sleeve shirts with (mostly) pants or skirts with cute tights and boots.

Though the NYC weather currently doesn’t support clothing of shorts and tank tops, I could never imagine myself wearing JUST that even if it is 100 degrees.

I always have to approve of the photos my friends take. I rarely look directly at the camera. I just am not comfortable being so open. I’m not sure why I am like this—especially because I never used to be. And it’s not that I am super insecure. I just am modest. But lately, it’s been brought to my attention that I should look at the camera or not worry if one hair is out of place. It bugs me that I am not as comfortable in my skin as I should be.

So this year, I will ditch the makeup somedays, embrace the messy bun, and be more free spirited. Who cares what others think? If I am confident with myself, the vibes will radiate to those around me.

Lower My Expectations. I didn’t say “standards”… just expectations. If I’ve learned anything over the past two decades it’s that every disappointing experience I’ve encountered has been because of expectations—whether mine or someone else’s.

Critical internship interview? No expectations. New haircut? No expectations. Making a new recipe? No expectations. Meeting a friend? No expectations. New lecture at school? No expectations.

I’ll have no expectations because Jesus never expected anything in return for my adoption into His family. He doesn’t hold a list of expectations over my head and scowl in disappointment when I don’t live up to them.

I can’t live up to them. And neither can you. I want to be free of expectations or gaudy requirements, I relinquish my aimless, preconceived notions and lofty expectations for both you and others around me. I am ready to be surprised this year.

Beg For Compassion. I’ll beg for it from the Heart of Tenderness itself. I want it to not only be bestowed upon me; but more so, that it will be instilled inside of me.

I will beg and plead until compassion is emblazoned across every fibre and tendon of my being. I will beg and plead until my pride and selfishness are torn from their filthy roots in my heart and replaced with a bubbling well of mercy and tenderness that splashes over into every life I touch. —How beautiful does that sound… read that paragraph over for me.

Siphon Every Ounce of Whimsey and Awe Out of These Next 365 Days. I resolve to dance unashamedly, splash my feet through puddles whenever it rains, run with freeness, and watch the sun fall into the clouds through my own two pupils rather than my phone screen. I resolve to give more, love fearlessly, and expect less in return.

I resolve to hone in on the friendships and people in my immediate reach. I resolve that as I continue in college, my time spend in lecture will be with engagement in the words spoken and mindfulness with what I’m learning. I will teach others my knowledge. And the brief time spent with others, I vow that that time will feel like we’ve witnessed a lifetime together instead. And with those I love, I vow to keep loving, wholeheartedly, and continue to work to show you the love that exists in my heart for you.

I resolve to step out into the fresh air in this hectic life I live, in the midst of work, and classes, and planning.

Because I’ve been given a life that is delicate, imaginative, and of the sweetest delights.

So that is my list. I will keep you updated when I check each item off. I will accomplish everything. I have determination to make this “Resolution” list, more than just a “loose weight, go to the gym, eat healthy” kind of list. This list is more than that. These seven things

There isn’t an eighth resolution on this list, because does there have to be? If I haven’t painted a vivid enough picture of what I am aiming my 2019 year to be, then perhaps your expectations where too high? Something to think about?

 

Checking this list off of my list,

Uptown Maven