I have a love-hate relationship with words. I hate writing because every time I sit down to write, it’s like I’m laying myself out on an operating table and digging in as deep as I can with the scalpel in my own hand. I flay myself open for everyone to judge. Whether you know me or not, you see me, and you read me. That scares me, and that’s why I hate writing.

You know what also scares me even more? What scares me even more is that I’ve been away from my blog—from you, my faithful readers—for about two months now and I don’t have much for you today. I don’t have anything to say. I’m sitting here in my bed in my grey sweatpants, with not much to say, and having avoided this keyboard for the past two months, I’m afraid to disappoint you. I’ll disappoint you, because eighteen posts later, I’ve run dry. All my organs are on the table with not much more for me to dissect and pick part.

I realized this two months ago. I was a mess of beautiful chaos, you could see it in my eyes and hear it in my words. So I told myself to lay the scalpel down. I stepped away from my pride and joy—my blog, Uptown Maven.

But here I am, back and renewed. I’m grateful I took the time to discover new things about myself. I needed change, and I can assure you I got it. Two months ago, I felt as if I were just moving. A moving body, moving objects, moving words. I told myself to stop. I wanted to stop going through the motions; I needed to stop caring were I knew I didn’t want to.

I sit here drinking my usual cup of English breakfast tea wondering if a writer ever runs out of words. I can imagine myself playing Scrabble and reaching in the bag of letter tiles to find nothing… No tiles to make words with. Does that happen?

A famous writer, Flannery O’Conner, would disagree with me. She believed that, “Nothing needs to happen to a writer’s life after they are twenty. By then they’ve experienced more than enough to last their creative life.” I read this quote in June and decided I needed to experience life this summer, or try to.

So, I moved and went. I did something big. I changed lives and invested myself in others. I’ve said things I haven’t been able to find words for, I took time for myself. Honestly I took the time to get to know myself and the pieces that I’d rather keep to myself rather than laying them out for you, dear readers. My ultimatum before summer ended: get to know myself and to experience more things to spark more ideas in my writing.

You know what scared me even more than not knowing what to write you today readers? What scared me was the fact that two months ago, I thought I wasn’t experiencing enough. I just did the same mundane thing everyday. Is that how I want to live life?

This summer I stopped wasting so many weekdays waiting for the weekend, and so many nights wanting morning. In a way I experienced a beautiful chaos, in both my head and actions. Days spent doing what I wanted whilst letting it take its course without stressing out if something didn’t go as planned. If I had to pick a theme for my summer it would be spontaneity.

Lust for future comfort is the biggest thief of life. So instead, I practiced paying attention and trying new things—no more just cooking and clothes. I gathered so many new experiences that maybe, just maybe, I’ll never run dry again. The Greek call it meraki (μεράκι): doing something with all your heart, soul, and mind—living everyday to the utmost greatest capacity, and loving everything you do whether good or bad outcome. This is why I say I have a love-hate relationship with writing. Even though it means laying myself out on the operating table, how can you not fall in love with words? Words come tumbling out of my head when I sit down and see a blank page. When I write I do it with my heart, with my soul, and my mind all combined at once. The junction of all three together—heart, soul, and mind— come together to produce such beauty. That’s something I’ll never be able to give up: writing with my whole heart. Some people call it scripturiency, the French call it coupe de plume, while most will say it’s my own form of eccentricness.

My ultimatum to you readers? Live your life with meraki, experience more, and lastly know when to take a step back and get to know yourself. I’d love to hear some of your experiences if you are willing to share. Send them my way if you are.

And as for me? Well, I have some exciting things planned for Uptown Maven now that I am back to the blogging scene, so stay tuned. You will hear all about my summer in the following posts. But until then, the ball is in your court, readers.

Mind churning, Uptown Maven