Two hundred fifty five weeks. That’s how many weeks I’ve lived here in New York City. If you can’t do the math, that’s five whole years.

Someone asked me the other day if I was excited to leave the city? I thought about it for a moment and said I would have to get back to them. After thinking about it, I still don’t know. And that’s okay, right? I’d like to think it is.

I moved to New York City when I was just 18 years old. Two days after I graduated high school I high-tailed it to the Big Apple without ever looking back. Maybe I was running from something, maybe I wasn’t. Moral of the story is though, I embraced New York with open arms. I was eager for the new adventure. I was excited to be in a place that I could get lost in, all the while finding who I really am. All that said though, I also had this visceral fear of the unknown. I had no idea what I was about to get into moving to a city with however many million people.

That’s exactly what I did, though. Despite the crippling fear, I moved. I embraced the change, taking a huge leap forward.

Through it all, I found who I am. I found who I still aspire to be. I became comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. I experienced the best of times—meeting new friends, finding new hobbies, learning anything and everything, falling in and out of love. I also experienced the worst of times, though—crippling depression, anxiety that I didn’t know how to cope with, heartbreak again and again, losing friends from back home and the connections with them.

With all that though, I recognize that in this city I found different parts of me that “little me” would be incredibly proud of. I found my rhythm.

So after five years, two apartments, three promotions, university, multiple breakups, and a few margaritas later…. I feel safe here. I know this city. I once was that girl on the subway nervous to ask for directions… yet, now I am the person giving the scared girl directions. I wake up everyday and choose the chaotic ambiance that we all know New York entails. I’ve grown to love the horns honking, people yelling, pan handling, and of course —probably most of all— the beauty of the city, too. If you haven’t found the beauty of New York, I encourage you to go to the MET on a Sunday morning, or walk through the park with your drink of choice while letting the crisp air touch your cheeks, or how the Cherry-Blossom trees bloom at the first of spring…. If you look hard enough, you’ll find it.

And yet, here I am uprooting all of those feelings for my next journey. I am very proud to say I’ve accepted a promotion with my company and am now moving a few states away from my beloved New York… a whole 12 hour drive away to be exact for whoever wants to visit.

I can tell you that same crippling fear and anxiety I had in my first few weeks before I moved to New York, I am currently experiencing. Everyday a find myself shedding a tear, or two, since my time here has come to a pause. But, I’ll tell you the details of my new adventure in another post… For now, let this be my love letter to New York.

Yesterday, I spent my day painting my current apartment. As I was painting, I was thinking of everything I’ve gone through while being here. All the memories I’ve made along the way.

Something that kept coming to mind though?—everything I’ve learned (so far) while being here and being twenty-something… I feel it’s important that I share some of those learnings.

So… New York, thank you for teaching me

To be scared and do it anyways. There will come a time (like the one I am in now) that you will be scared to do something. Whether it’s moving for a company or trying a new hobby. Be scared, do it anyways and you’ll reap the benefits. If it turns out you hate it, at least you tried.

To learn to love your loneliness. Don’t try to fill it with someone who doesn’t deserve it. I learned the hard way. Love your loneliness and you won’t give it away to the wrong people.

That your worth is not defined by who didn’t love you back, but by how you overcame being unloved. I have loved hard in New York. Sometimes I wish that I loved differently, but in the end I’ve accepted the takeaway and overcame it with time.

To dare to ask for more, it’s the only way you’ll get what you want. I’ve always been afraid to ask for more. New York taught me sometimes you can’t afford to not ask for more… So, in whatever circumstance you find yourself of needing more, ask for it.

Taking time for yourself is productive. One of the best things I started doing was having dates with myself. It might feel awkward at first but when the hustle and bustle gets to be too much, take time for you.

That if you are questioning it everyday, do something about it. Ask the important questions. Be inquisitive without being fearful of what comes of it. If something doesn’t feel right, you have the power to change it.

If you are not sure about the relationship you’re in, you’re probably in the wrong one to begin with. Coming from someone who wishes she would have discovered this sooner while in the relationship she was in—if it feels wrong, it probably is.

That not everyone has to like you. In fact, being disliked by some people is a sign of having a healthy relationship with yourself. The quality of your life isn’t determined by your popularity with others, but by your ability to form meaningful connections with the people who love you for who you are.

That it’s okay to feel sad. Grief, like all emotions, has a purpose. One of my friends I’ve met while being here taught me that grief is probably the most profound emotion of them all. We experience grief when we lose what we love the most. It can’t be pushed down, like so many of the other emotions we feel. It demands to be felt. The magic of grief is tending to that heartbreak. If we do, we will discover how much we cared by how much it hurts. If we try to process it all, it’ll help us in the future put ourselves back together when it all happens again.

I say all of those things because, no one gives you a manual of how to live your twenties. It looks different for everyone. Your twenties will be amazing but they will probably be a bit of a mess, too and that’s okay. We are all baby adults. It’s completely normal to be overwhelmed and confused. Now is the time to try everything out, to mess up, to cry, to laugh, to hate yourself sometimes but to love yourself all the time. Now is the time to make mistakes, and then get back up and try again.

I’ve discovered that now is the time to accept that promotion, despite how scared, anxious, and sad I am to leave my current daily safeties. Being in your twenties are for learning from each mistake and each day, getting closer and closer to knowing who you are and what you want from this life. After all, you only get one shot at this. Why not make it full of adventure and mystery?

This is my love letter, a thank you of sorts to New York and everything I’ve accomplished here. Definitely not a goodbye… I love the city too much to not be back.

It’s also a love letter to all the twenty-somethings out there that are going through change. Whether it’s moving to a new city or anything else that can be fear inducing. This is me saying… do it because, why the h*ck not?

-UM